Puntifex Maximus

This is No Bull

Once there was a country that had a unique way of electing kings and queens.When the time came to get a new king, they would hold two contests.One was a beauty contest to find the fairest maiden in the land.The second contest had groups of poets, chained at the ankles, beating each other with whips. The last poet left standing claimed the winner of the first contest as his bride, and together they ruled the country. Odd practice, you say? Not really." Bards of a fetter flog to get her."
There was once a scientist working on the secret of eternal life. He had a laboratory on a remote island, where he used dolphins as test subjects. He soon found that the main ingredient needed for his formula came from sea birds, which he would capture and bring back to his lab. One day, as he was returning with a new supply of birds, he noticed two old, sleepy lions blocking his doorway. They looked harmless enough, so he stepped over them, and entered his lab, where he was immediately arrested. The charge? Transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.
An island chieftain took a trip to Europe, to visit royalty there, and to see how they lived. He was very impressed with all the pomp and ceremony, and especially with all the different types of thrones used by different royal houses. He ordered copies of all of these thrones and had them sent back to his island. Since he could only sit on one throne at a time, he had the rest stored upstairs. Unfortunately, his palace was a simple place, made of woven fiber from the local grass, and couldn't take the weight of all the stored furniture. The whole place collapsed. Obviously, the moral of this tale is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
There was once an establishment called the Merci Tea Company. Their proud boast was that their customers thanked them for having all possible types of tea. One day, a customer came in, and asked for a cup of tea made from koala bears. After a short delay, a cup of this brew was given to him. "What's this?", he exclaimed. "There's little bits of fur floating around in my tea." "Sir", the proprietor said, "The Koala tea of Merci is not strained."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novacaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Two bassists were playing in Beethoven's ninth symphony. Knowing that their parts would not be needed until the very end, they left the orchestra to have a few at the bar across the street. After quite a few beers, they started back One of the bassists was worried that they might be late. "Not to worry", said his partner, as they staggered back to the hall. "I took the precaution of tying the last few pages of the score together. By the time the conductor unties it, we'll be back in our seats and ready to play." Sure enough, the performers took their seats in the orchestra, just as the conductor was struggling to open the bound pages of music. Some members of the audience began to notice his difficulty. "What's going on?" asked one woman. Her husband replied, "It's simple. It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years. When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia. However, that isn't likely to happen soon, as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health. By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site. Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D., and used it as a base for his marauding army. The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of a democratic government that did not square with his own notion of "rule by an all-powerful tryant". When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base. When she goes, that will be it. Thus, that's how it ends, with No Huns, No Writs, No Eros, and Nun on base.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank---proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter,"What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?""No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist."Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins---if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."